which for some reason is being very, very difficult - seriously, I started trying this two years ago, what's the issue?
I'm searching out Proper Science to help me point out how incredibly, incredibly wrong the idea of faking a stutter because they're shy and don't want to deal with people is (because, I mean, seriously, THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MOMENT. In order to /avoid people/, you are going to affect something that will make you obtrusive like little else, that means you will instantly find yourself the center of attention, of embarrassed, unwilling, what's-/wrong/-with-them attention, anytime you open your mouth, that makes "fading into background" and "talking" mutually exclusive - here's a clever idea, why don't you dye your hair neon green and start tap-dancing on the table instead).
I have just discovered a study in which 82% of people who stuttered reported being bullied at some point in their school lives.
Yeah, pretend to stutter so that people will leave you alone. What an absolutely fantastic idea.
(1) My talk went very very well indeed! :D I did screw up the bit I was worried about a liiiittle, but the actual important bits were fine, the talk lasted pretty much exactly one hour, people laughed in the places I wanted them to etc. etc. etc. yaaay!
An odd realisation for me has been that actually? I sort of like giving talks. I'm still nervous as hell before them but actually giving one is this feeling of intense focus that's amazing and if it went well afterwards I experience a rush similar to the one I get after concerts (read: I am bouncing off the walls and laughing.) As a teenager I had the more usual "AUGH PUBLIC SPEAKING" reaction, but I think I also figured that anyone with a speech disorder can't possibly enjoy lecturing. Nyah! Not so!
(2) whoever decided to make people call me from my telephone/broadband company on Saturday evening to tell me that I should ttly get TV from them too when I am disabled and cannot watch TV about 99% of the time? Screw you. Really.
(3) I usually find mathematical cranks sort of amusing - yeeaaah, tell me *all* about why Cantor's diagonalisation is wrong or 0.999... is actually not equal to 1, baby - but am finding myself getting angry at one right now. It's this, this incredible self-important hubris they have of deciding they know all there is to know about maths and that *their* theories and definitions are 100% correct and who cares what anyone else has to say. Like, you know, if a guy goes on and on about how the field axioms are inconsistent!!! - dude, my entire subject area vanishes in an explosion of you-can-prove-anything-from-a-contradiction if the field axioms are inconsistent. Like, everything I have done for the past two years, every single paper I have read, if not all then a large chunk of my supervisor's work, GONE. Fwump. And this is a very small chunk of the maths that relies on fields!
As it so happens I don't have to worry about this because the field axioms aren't inconsistent, you self-centred bastard who was apparently referring to something different altogether because for you apparently there are no fields other than the real numbers so axioms for each can be interchanged. (Not that I believe he's showed any of those axioms are inconsistent because you know crank! but at least he's not attacking me where I live if he's talking about the reals.)
Not sure why this has upset me quite so much, really. :/ Probably just the frustration of seeing people claiming to be mathematicians cavalierly toss around things that if true would destroy fundamental building blocks of mathematics, and discover that it's not just that they're using corkscrew logic to get their "results" but that they can't even be bothered to use the standard definitions everyone else does.
Something that has not come up a lot on this blog, recently, is this:
I'm a member of fandom. I started reading and writing fanfic in early 2002. I actually wrote original fic and was a regular on an original fic board for a year or so before that. Time was that I identified very strongly as a writer, first and foremost.
As said, lately this hasn't come up very much. It's quite possible that especially the people on my DW list don't know much about this. And I suspect this may be a reason a lot of my LJ friends and I have drifted apart.
I've also pretty much stopped writing. I never did actually write very much, but the last completed piece I posted was almost two years ago. There's two uncompleted pieces I've worked on since, plus my Morrowind fic (which I don't usually consider to count because it feels extremely different for me). Part of it is to do with issues I have with writing (I have an inner editor cranked up to eleven that's also tied into my mental depression and anxiety hotline, which can make writing pretty painful), but... these issues aren't new. And yet, I used to write more. And the fact that I don't, these days, hurts. A lot.
Something I recently realised: my disconnection with writing, and to a lesser extent a disconnection with fandom as a whole (I also haven't really participated in fandom as a community except through the lens of social justice in this time) can be traced back to early 2009 - which is the time I started seriously engaging in social justice.
Here is another thing: I am a mathematician. I am doing a fucking maths PhD. And this is another thing you would hardly notice speaking to me online. And it is something I am struggling with because quite frankly I am not thinking about maths enough and I am having a really fucking hard time doing the work. Which is, yeah, definitely disability stuff here... but...
I am coming to the conclusion that social justice has eaten my life.
Which is weird. I am used to being both at the mercy of my interests and simultaneously beyond these issues because of the way my interest patterns work (extremely strong to start with but never last for longer than a few months.) And... I don't know how to deal with this. I see people around talking about taking breaks, and I don't think I can. Because I'm starting a number of things right now that I am seriously invested in and want to happen, that I think are constructive and happymaking and I really want to be involved in, that in fact I'm using to deal with feeling like SJ has made me into someone I don't want to be (which is a whole other story!). Things like disability cookbooks and asexual + autistic blog carnivals and asex 101 and generally happymaking discussions in the asexual community and finally managing to get onto my uni's feminist society's mailing list and wanting to go along to their meetings. Because I *am* at the mercy of my interests in a way I'm not sure NT people are and so I know that trying to cut SJ stuff out of my life entirely in the name of a "break" would make me absolutely horrendously miserable. (O yeah and let's not forget that this stuff is genuinely very important to me so it's not just an interest thing.)
a thought: all the stuff I just mentioned is a shitload of a lot for a disabled maths PhD student to do in their spare time.
SJ has eaten my life. Even if I can't take a break, I have got to figure out how to set boundaries for myself, both in the "trying not to be a bitter nasty person" way and in the "fuck, I have a life, don't I?" way. Figure out how to get back in touch with fandom and writing (I don't think JaNoWriMo is going to work for me but I am trying very carefully to set a goal for myself to write 100 words of fiction, any fiction, every day). Figure out how to do more maths because folks this is supposed to be my fucking career and I go to uni and spend all my time reading blogs. I have spent quite possibly most of the time since the start of my PhD with an undercurrent of panic because I am just not doing enough, not thinking about it enough, not dedicated enough, not enough and THIS HAS TO STOP.
...any ideas? :(